Herring of the Pot 1
by Nota Lone
Summary: And the Stone of Fossilised Cherry Kool-Aid. The strangest thing I've ever written. Rating for the insanity. I don't want to scar anyone for life.:)
1. The Boy that Bairly Made It

Disclamer: JK might not want these characters after what I've done to them...Thanks to phillisnodrey and AJ for the use of their strange, strange minds.

A tall man with a bright green beard roughly the size of Chile stood by a lamppost, talking to a cat.

"Hello Meringia."

"My name is Menecveri."

"Whatever. Where is the large man known to sit on small objects that I have entrusted the care of a baby to?"

"I cannae figure it out, oh great Dimbledore."

Suddenly a flying tricycle came into view, ridden by a man roughly the size of Greenland.

"'Ello. They can take our cake, but they cannae take our freedom."

"Ah, hello Hybrid. Where is the child?"

"Got 'im right here. Ate my soy nuts. Poor kid'll never be the same."

"Wait, your gonna leave him with these idiots? They watch MTV all day and eat nothing but Cheesy Curlz and never bathe!"

"I believe that sentence was a run-on, Professor Meringue. Any who, this is the 'Boy that Barely Made It'. He'll be fine." He lifted the child up.

"It's the ciiiiiircle of life." Menecveri suddenly had an antelope on her head. Don't you hate it when that happens?


	2. This Chapter Brought to You by Cheezy Cu...

Disclamer: Well they aren't yours either! (Cheezy Curlz are not real products. I made them up. Don't ask the grocer for any.) QUESTION! What's a flame? I have a vague idea, but I cannae understand.

_About 11 years later, give or take_

Poor Herring of the Pot, known simply as Hotp, was forced to live in a cabinet under the sink.

"Get-up and fix our Cheezy Curlz ™!" screamed Aunt Foxglove. She patted Dastardly on the head. "My little Dastardkins is hungry." Dastardly began to practice his evil laugh, but chocked on a Cheezy Curl ™.

"Now look what you did, you evil child!" screamed Mr. Dingley.

Suddenly, the computer blew up due to too many emails. A small scrap of paper floated out of the wreckage. It read:

_Dear Mr. Pot,_

_Hello and welcome to Eggnog's School of Twitch, Itch, and Misery. You will need:_

_Four Holocaust Cloaks_

_One Wand/Troll Poker_

_Eggnog – A Mystery By Franko Nutjob_

_Magical Bulimics and Where to Find Them By the Bulimic Barron_

_And various other useless items_

_One may have a rat, cat, bat, slat, splat, **OR** owl._

_Strangely,_

_Professor McConable_

"Foorsooth and alack-a-day! It beith a letter of evil!" cried Mr. Dingley. "We must journey to the hut in the middle of nowhere!" And so they did.

Hotp was randomly drawing things in the dirt with his finger when the man roughly the size of Greenland, also known as Hybrid or MRTSOG, burst through the shotty excuse for a door.

"'Ello Herring. 'Appy Birthday! I brought you a Birthday cake. Might have soy nuts in it, but oh well."

Dastardly immediately began to eat the cake, and then he rolled on the floor in pure agony. Hybrid gave out a Scar-like chuckle. (Oh, come-on we've all seen the Lion King? Right?)

"Shouldn't eat soybeans you weasel." He then gave Dastardly a weasel's tail with his magic paper-fan. "Muahahahaha!" The rest of the Dingles ran around like chickens with their heads cut-off. "Come-on Herring, we've got stuff to do."

**Hello loverly reviewers!**

**Silverfingers: This is how random I am. Without this randomness, the sicosis would take over. Fear my randomness. : )**

**Calliope Foster: Go Greenland! Wait, you died and then you nearly died. Make-up you mind peoples! And further more, what's LMAO? I'm so confused.**

**Phyllis Nodrey: Who's Wilya? Do I know her:) Muahaha. I'm annoying.**

**I'm off to do the snowday dance! TTFN IT WORKED! Victory dance uhuhuh victory dance!**


	3. Bright Pink Hair

Disclaimer: The characters were lost and I took them in. You may gladly have them back when the Half Blood Prince finally comes out.

_Once upon a time, there was a man named Chuck. He lived in a wood. Everyone called him Woodchuck, so as not to confuse him with Chuck who lived in the city. (He was known as Citychuck.)………..but no one cares.'_

Hotp looked in wonderment at the platform thirteen and nine sixteenths. Hybrid had just given him a beautiful owl that he named Watson (a/n yes, Watson. You'll see.) He then was instructed by a motherly woman to run into a pole. Hotp, trusting sap that he is, went forward, ramming speed. He then gaily skipped onto the train.

He met a boy of standard high and gangly build on the bus. The boy also had shocking pink hair like the woman who gave him directions.

"Bloody hell, you're Hotp!"

Hotp stared at the boy. "Um, yeah."

"I'm McDonald Paisley, but you can call me Don for short. This is Scabs, my rat of dubious origin."

Just then, their cabin was intruded upon. "Hello, I'm Hurtmyknee Ranger. I'm the resident ugly duckling. I may seem like a geek now, but I will grow-up to be beautiful and smart and wealthy and famous. I will then use my army of Mary-Sues to take over the world. By the way, have you seen a psychotic squirrel? Neo-hippie Bellbottom seems to have lost his."

"No."

"You're Hotp!"

"Why is everyone saying that? Does this have anything to do with that 'Moldingwart' character Hybrid said killed my parents?"

"Aieee! Say not the evil name!" screamed Don and Hurtmyknee together.

"Fine then, what do I call him?"

Hurtmyknee sighed, "Call him the Lord of Dimness or He-who-must-never-be-named-or-else."

Hotp shrugged. "'Kay." Hurtmyknee left. Hotp turned to Don. "What just happened?"

"Beats me."

"Oh, since I am a clueless non-wizard folk and because the author doesn't feel like making another 'explaining' chappie, tell me about Eggnog."

"There are four houses, Gryffindork, Sliverthin, Pufflepuff, and Ravin' Claw. The Gryffindorks are either really brave or really stupid. The Sliverthins are evil or bulimic or both. The Pufflepuffs are drag queens and girlie-girls. Ravin' Claws are intelligent, yet insane."

"Oh."

Hotp and Don proceeded to get off the train and travel to the school on the dangerous boats as apposed to the safer carriages for some strange reason… (this will not be explained because it annoys me)

"Hello, you must be Herring of the Pot. I'm Dilly Altoid and this is Drab and Soil, my trained monkeys/bestest best friends." Hotp looked up to what was either a boy, pure evil, or a platinum blond toothpick of unusual size flanked by….well….I'm not exactly sure….

* * *

A good ending is it not? I am going to try and write poetry in mole-speak. (This is what happens when you give me jellybeans…) Why did Hotp name the owl Watson? Is Proffessor Squiggle evil, schizophernic, or both? Do I have any idea what I'm doing? Find out next chappie!

_This is my little bro's version of the Chuck story. I'll post my brother's stories at the end. Why? Because._

_Once, there was a guy named Chuck. Chuck was a woodchuck. Everyone asked Chuck, "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Chuck responded "4." So when someone asks you "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" say "4."_

Mike requests that you say 4 and say something about his story in your review, which is imperative to my sanity. And yours. (The review, not my brother.) So eat jellybeans, review, and write fanfics about Merry. :P


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